Eeeeeeehhhhhhrrrrrnnnnnnt! Eeeeeeehhhhhhrrrrrnnnnnnt! Eeeeeeehhhhhhrrrrrnnnnnnt!
Ted’s alarm screamed out at him, jolting from peaceful slumber back into the mundaneness of his life. He rolled over, slapped the snooze button on the alarm clock, and buried his face back into his pillow while he begged to whatever power may be for ten more minutes of sleep. It wasn’t even that he was tired. He hadn’t done anything of significance last night. He had stayed up a bit late, but only because he had fallen into a TV coma watching reruns of the weather channel. He didn’t go out because he never went out on a work night. Actually, that wasn’t true. He didn’t go out because he didn’t have anywhere or anyone to go out with. Everyone at work thought he was just that quiet, nerdy, dependable guy that you want covering your shift, but not the guy you call for a good time. Most women never gave him a second glance. For the most part his money went to his rent, food, and cable bill, which was starting to pile up with the movie and porn rentals, but it wasn’t like he had anything better to do.
And the worst part about Ted’s life was that he knew it would be the same thing tomorrow.
As the alarm again let out its ear piercing scream, he finally rolled out of bed. Thirty minutes later and he was walking down the sidewalk, invisible among the sea of people trying to get where ever they were going on time. He decided he had time to stop for a quick cup of coffee, and headed into a small coffee store he stopped at almost every day on his way in to work. As the line slowly shuffled forward he glanced down at his watch, only to look back up and see that some guy had cut in line in front of him. He briefly thought about tapping the man on the shoulder and saying, “Excuse me sir, that was my spot,” but in the end he just sighed and stared down at the floor again.
When his time to order finally came he stepped up, looked at the pretty young woman taking his order and smiled as he said, “Hey Becky, I’ll have the usual.”
The young woman gave him a puzzled look for a moment before she asked, “I’m sorry, do I know you?”
“I only come in here about four days a week for coffee,” Ted replied with a shrug.
“Oh, yeah, you want a small mocha with a chocolate swirl… It must be the new haircut you got Kevin,” The woman smiled at him.
“Actually, my name’s Ted, and I would just like a large coffee please,” He replied with a sigh.
“Oh, sorry. That’ll be four dollars and seventeen cents,” She replied and held out her hand.
Ted handed her a five, and then took his place to wait for a few minutes until someone behind the counter called out, “I have a large coffee for Kevin!” Ted quickly grabbed his drink and continued to work. He paused outside of the large brick building he work in and glanced up at the imposing building, then glanced across the street at the park and silently wished to himself he had the guts to blow off job and spend the day outside doing anything but his normal life.
As he got to his desk he set his satchel down and turned to put his coffee on the corner of his desk, but before he could set the cup down his boss came up behind him and screamed, “THEODORE!”
Ted jumped which caused the coffee to blast out of the cup and go all over the front of his shirt and pants, causing him to quickly pull the steaming and drenched fabric away from his skin while he did a small dance in place trying to cool scalding liquid running down his legs.
“Oh great, now you need a mop too,” The woman said as she stood there with her hands on her hips.
“Yeah, I’ll get it cleaned up right away Miss Rouse,” Ted replied as he started to wring out his shirt.
“Don’t bother with that Theodore,” the woman said, “I need those profit and earning reports that you promised would be on my desk first thing this morning.”
Ted wanted to say, Well you stupid bitch the day hasn’t actually started yet, we’re still twenty minutes from opening, so why are you fucking yelling at me, but he didn’t. Instead he simply replied, “They’re on your desk Miss Rouse. I put them in your in box yesterday before I left, and I really prefer to be called Ted.”
“Why in the hell would you do that Theodore? No one uses the in box on my desk! They know I never check it! You have to tell me when you put things in my in box. Next time send an e-mail or something, that way I know. Oh, and then leave me a note that you sent me an e-mail. Honestly Theodore, you’ve been working in this bank for almost eight years now, you should be picking up these things. Your review is in a few months, and if you expect a raise you should be doing a better job now,” and with that his boss turned and stormed away.
Ted sighed as he thought about the fact that he had in fact worked at the bank for the past eight years, and every year he had been given the same speech about working harder to secure a raise, and every year he had done that only to be told that there was no money in the budget. He shrugged, cleaned up his mess, and then started his job, the whole while keeping an eye on the clock, which he quickly decided was silly because it wasn’t like he had any plans after work.
Then at exactly one fifteen in the afternoon something strange happened. Ted was almost ready to close his teller station down at the bank because the “lunch rush hour” was over when he glanced up just a two women were entering the bank. He blinked twice and then tried to quickly wipe his eyes so he could look again.
The two women weren’t wearing a stitch of clothing other than the tiniest bikinis Ted had ever seen in his life. Both of them had amazing bodies. Both of them had full round breasts and slim waist lines on display for everyone to see. The only things you couldn’t see on the two girls were their crotch and their nipples, which were covered up by the tiniest of triangles, one in pink and the other in purple.
Oh, and their faces. When Ted’s eyes finally managed to tear themselves away from the women’s bodies, he saw that they were both wearing ski masks pulled down over their faces. Apparently Ted wasn’t the only one who was confused as suddenly chaos broke out around the lobby of the bank. People were diving for the ground as the two women began shooting around at the ceiling with semi-automatic rifles. Ted briefly wondered how he had not seen that when suddenly one of the gun barrels pointed directly at him. He blinked twice as his world came back to him. Not his normal boring world that he had lived in for the past twenty five years, but this strange new bizarre world where nothing made sense.
“GET ON THE GROUND NOW OR I WILL BLOW YOUR GOD DAMNED FACE OFF YOU FUCKING PANTY-WASTE!” One of the masked women screamed at him in an utterly mismatched deep baritone.
Ted’s sense of self-preservation finally kicked in and he dropped to the ground just as the woman who wasn’t pointing a gun at him jumped up onto the counter top and began to call out orders in an equally disturbing manly voice, “Okay, I want everyone to just settle down here, and we will all get through this alive. Nobody has to die here today!”
“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT OLD MAN! I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU LOOK UP AGAIN I WILL PUT A HOLE RIGHT THROUGH THE MIDDLE OF YOUR GOD DAMNED FACE!” The woman with the deep baritone again screamed out, but this time instead of being directed at Ted her anger was directed at the old security guard that had dropped to the ground when the women had begun shooting.
“Mickey, calm the shit down!” The first girl yelled at down in a gruff voice to the rather agitated woman who was cursing at everyone.
“C’mon Vicky, can’t I shoot one just a little bit? You know how horny this makes me! My pussy is fucking drenched here!” The one that had pointed the gun at Ted told the girl standing on the countertop as she let go of her gun with one hand to rub her fabric covered love mound. (Ted decided this one was apparently Mickey)
“Damn it Mickey, find your god damned center, we’ll have plenty of time for that later. Now help me get one of these dickheads to get us our money!” The woman (Again, apparently Vicky) called down from the counter top.
“I know the perfect person to help,” Mickey said in her evil and deep voice as she walked over toward Ted. He scrunched his eyes closed as he listened to the click of her heels of the tile as she came his way.
Please not me, please not me, please not me! Ted thought until he felt a sharp pain in his side as he was kicked with a heel in the kidneys, resulting in an “umpfh” sound coming out of him.
“Get up needle dick! You wanted to stare, well now its payback time!” Mickey barked at him, as she grabbed onto his shoulder and with one clenched fist full of Ted’s shirt lifted him up to his feet in an impressive feat of strength.
“Okay, buddy, it’s your lucky day,” Vicky said to him in a gruff but calm voice, “You get to save all of your co-workers from being shot in the heads!” Ted gulped and nodded as he was pushed forward roughly by Mickey and then spun to stare straight at Vicky’s crotch as she stood on the kiosk, “You like staring at my cunt? I’ll make a deal with you then Fuck-face. If you get us our money without any problems not only will I let everyone here live, but I’ll also let you eat out my little clamshell.”
“I’ll d-do want you want, just please don’t kill anyone,” Ted replied.
“Well then, you had best get me my money Fuck-face,” Vicky shouted at him as she pointed with her gun to the registers.
Ted scurried behind the counter and started to go through the drawers emptying the bills onto the counter top while Mickey went behind him and scooped the piles of bills into a small bag. When Ted finished the last register Mickey pointed the gun at him and bellowed, “THE FUCKING SAFE! NOW!”
Ted nodded, but before he could go he heard Vicky shout out in a bearlike voice, “Fuck! COPS, COPS, COPS! Mickey we gotta go! Grab Fuck-face and take him with, we might need a hostage!”
Mickey’s small feminine hand grabbed Ted’s shoulder in an iron grip and dragged him along as she ran to the front of the store in her six inch heels while tossing the bag of money to her partner. She shouldered the door open as Vicky covered the guard inside while they headed out the front of the building. Ted was suddenly spun around, and watched as two squad cars squealed to a stop in front of him in the parking lot. From his position as a human shield he watched a gun swing into his line of sight and heard Mickey yell out, “Eat fucking lead pigs!” in her baritone.
Shots rang out as the end of the gun erupted in fire and bullets blasted holes in the front of the cop cruisers, along with glass exploding and sirens blaring. Ted vaguely heard Vicky call out, “Fucking Hell Mickey, let’s go! Run fat ass, run!” and then he was again being dragged along as the two women took off for an alley to the side of the bank while the cops were still taking cover from salvo of bullets that Mickey had shot at them along with the cover fire that Vicky was laying down from the alley’s edge. The alley way was too small for a police car to fit down, and so the police were attempting to chase them down on foot, but had to continually stop and find cover at either Mickey or Vicky would spin and fire a few shots over their shoulders. When they got to the back of the alley Vicky quickly pulled a large green dumpster into the alley way and pushed it down the path the three had just come from. She then grabbed a zippo lighter from the back of the dumpster, gave it a quick flick, and tossed it in, which instantly made the dumpster blast into an inferno of large orange flames.
“Fuck yeah, let’s see those pigs get through that!” Mickey called out in a triumphant voice before dragging Ted along after her yet again.
The women dragged him along behind more buildings through the rat’s nest of alleyways behind the buildings next to the bank until they finally came to a slightly beat up old convertible sitting rather conspicuously in an empty rear parking lot that was difficult to see from the main street in front of the larger buildings. Vicky pulled off her ski mask and dropped the bag of cash into the back seat, and then reached across the seat to pull the trunk catch. Despite his situation, Ted still couldn’t help but stare at Vicky’s bikini clad ass and thighs as she was stretched out over the seat. A sudden movement to his left as Mickey also pulled her hood off caught his attention, and his head spun around to look at her.
“Ditch Fuck-face and then we’ll dismount and get on our way,” Vicky said in her gruff voice as she shot a quick glance down the alley before heading around to the trunk of the car.
“Are you guys going to shoot me? I mean, I don’t know why you would take your masks off before you would leave, but I won’t tell anyone, I swear! Please don’t kill me, I don’t want to die,” Ted told Mickey as he held up his hands in mock surrender.
“You haven’t seen shit Fuck-face,” Vicky called out happily in her gruff voice over the popped trunk as she pulled out a duffel bag and dropped it beside the car.
“I promise I won’t tell anyone that you guys have identifying scars, or facial hair, I swear to god!” Ted pleaded as he dropped to his knees while Mickey pointed the gun at his face.
“Wait, you can see my goat-tee?” Mickey asked as she grabbed Ted by the chin and pulled his face up to look at hers.
“Um, yeah. A dark black goat-tee. I think it looks nice on you miss, really…” Ted said with a gulp.
“Fuck,” Mickey said as Vicky trotted over to them.
“What about my face? What do you see?” Vicky asked him in a demanding masculine tone.
“Uh, You’ve got a scar running down your face from your left eye to your jawline, some stubble, and… um… I don’t mean to be mean, but your nose looks a bit busted,” Ted replied as he dropped his gaze back to the pavement.
“Fuck, he’s a hopper,” Vicky said as she threw up her hands, “He can identify us now.”
“Vicky, I don’t mind firing a few rounds at some dumbass pigs, but I don’t know if I can shoot a guy in cold blood man.” Mickey said as she loosened her grip slightly.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck. This job just gets more fucked up by the minute,” Vicky said as she spun around and cocked her hips, then spun back around and said, “Take him with until we figure this out. Tie him up while I dismount.”
Mickey dragged Ted to the back of the car and pulled out some cord and began to wrap it around Ted’s wrists as he glanced back over his shoulder and saw Vicky begin to convulse. Her shaking got worse as Ted watched slime begin to pour out of her face, ears, and skin. The ooze began to take shape in front of her, and when it started to resemble a man, she fell backwards to the ground and laid there completely limp. Ted’s eyes got wide as he looked at the well-built naked man that now had Vicky’s face walk over to the duffle bag and pull out a pair of sweat pants, a tee shirt, and some slip on shoes. Once he was clothed he walked back to Ted, and then Mickey started to quiver. She had the same ooze begin to flow out of her face and skin, but the blob definitely had more girth than what came out of Vicky. She too fell back to the ground and before Ted knew it he was looking at a slightly overweight man with a paunchy belly and the signature goat-tee that a few moments ago had been on Mickey’s face. Before the man that came out of Vicky blocked Ted’s view completely he had just enough time to look down at the woman who had until a few moments ago been holding him hostage and saw a dainty nose, full pink lips, high cheek bones, and thin eyebrows. She was a knock out.
Before the overweight man that came out of Mickey even went for clothes he reached down for the gun that was lying next to her until the other man with the scar spoke up, “Don’t touch that fat ass! It doesn’t have any of our prints on it, only the bitches. Help me get Fuck-face in the trunk.”
“I didn’t know I was gonna have to leave the gun. That’s my favorite AR-15!”
“Shut up and lift! The sirens are getting closer!” The man with the scar said as he shot a worried look over his shoulder.
Ted was lifted and dumped unceremoniously in the trunk, and let out a quick, “Wait, guys!”
“Shit, this isn’t gonna work if they have check points. They’ll hear him in the trunk for sure.” The scarred man said, “Go get your clothes on, I’ll take care of him.”
The overweight man left Ted’s line of sight and while he got an evil smirk from the other man, who looked at him and said, “This is gonna hurt you more then it hurts me, Fuck-face.”
And with that Ted saw the man’s right fist fly at his face, smashing his left temple, and quickly knocking him out into a world of darkness.